Separation Anxiety: How to Ease the Transition - Élhée

Separation Anxiety: How to Ease the Transition

For babies, little ones, older kids, and even parents, back-to-school time means a change in routine, something new, and often, separation. This can be a complicated time that generates stress and many emotions. Little arms reach out, lips tremble, tears appear, and parents’ hearts feel heavy. Because these symptoms sometimes last beyond the first day of school, let’s discover together how to manage separation anxiety.

CONTENTS:

What is separation anxiety?

Separation anxiety is a recognized stage of a baby’s development that typically appears around eight months old. At this age, your baby starts recognizing faces and their memory and understanding begin to work together.

So, when a baby loses their main points of reference (their parents), they may panic and start to cry. In an unfamiliar environment, the reaction can be even stronger and harder to manage. This is why your pediatrician may have advised against starting daycare around the eighth month.

However, separation anxiety can also happen earlier or later, or pop back up from time to time, especially when school starts. For older children, this is often simply called separation anxiety disorder.

How does this fear show up in babies?

l'angoisse de la separation et les objets transitionnels

When they can no longer see you, your baby cries. In the morning, on arrival at daycare, they refuse to let you go. Suddenly, they no longer want to go to school and may even resist staying with grandparents, even if things were fine before. They also smile much less at people they don’t know. They have a hard time being alone in their bed and wake up more often than usual.

Often, when you pretend to leave—or even just go into another room—they cry heavily, reach out, cling to you, or get angry. If you hand them over to someone else, they show their fear and disapproval. This is separation anxiety. Babies and children may experience this with varying levels of intensity.

Separation anxiety does not always show up in the same way with both parents. Sometimes, a baby will cry when left with the parent who is less often present. Here, it’s all about the attachment bond, routine, habits, and familiar or comforting gestures. This reaction, which can be tough for the parent who experiences it, requires patience, but doesn’t prevent the development of a strong, secure bond.

Also, if you notice your little one gradually becoming unsettled, if each departure is getting harder, trust yourself and, if possible, take more time, restart adaptation phases, or postpone starting group care altogether. You alone know what’s best for your baby. 🤎

8 tips for a smooth transition, starting at daycare

  1. Communicate with your child, even very young ones. Beyond words, babies pick up on emotions. Gently let them know you are going to work, they're going to daycare, and you will see each other afterward.
  2. Give time cues; explain to your baby what you'll do that afternoon or evening when you'll be together again. If they're a little older, you can also count how many sleeps are left before daycare to get them ready.
  3. Play peekaboo! Disappear and then reappear to show your baby there’s nothing to worry about.
  4. Organize a gentle first separation by letting your child spend a day, a night, or a weekend with their grandparents.
  5. Make use of the adjustment period available at daycare to ease into things and get acquainted. From just a few minutes up to a half or whole day, let your baby discover their new environment step by step.
  6. Establish routines to reassure your baby. Habits help your child find their bearings. To establish these more easily, always do the same things before leaving for daycare: take out the car seat, dress your baby, pack their diaper bag, and have a cuddle.
  7. At daycare, avoid “disappearing” while your child is playing or not looking. They might be startled and even more anxious when they notice you’re gone.
  8. Rely on transitional objects like their comfort toy or bottle. Whereas newborns feel as if they are one with their mother, a transitional object gradually helps them separate and better manage separation anxiety.

What if baby cries at every separation?

l'angoisse de la separation c'est quoi

Watching your baby cry is always difficult, but once they’re at daycare or school, hold steady and stick to your plans.

Remind them you’ll be back soon, and everything will be fine. Say goodbye and leave. While it’s best not to leave abruptly, leave “firmly” and don’t hesitate at the door. Your calm and confident manner will eventually reassure your baby too.

Finally, remember that things usually improve quickly. Trust the multidisciplinary team to know how to handle and comfort your baby.

Why are first separations so difficult?

You carried your child for nine months and just spent weeks, even months, in a close, fused state. You’re about to return to work, which may not thrill you, and you must entrust your baby to a third party for the day. It’s very normal for these first separations to be tough.

Even when they’re older, you feel the need to protect your child from life’s troubles. That’s simply experience talking and brings out your mama bear instinct—you’d like to always keep them close, safe in your arms, where nothing can harm them.

Also, your personal history matters. If you had a traumatic birth or know of a traumatic event linked to a child’s birth, these emotional shocks can rekindle your own separation fears, especially around the start of school.

Separation anxiety at age 3: how to approach starting preschool?

l'angoisse de la separation en maternelle

For slightly older children, it’s more a case of separation anxiety. During major events like starting school, children feel intense fear at the thought of being separated from their parents. In the vast majority of cases, this fear settles on its own. Otherwise, it may sometimes be referred to as an anxiety disorder.

5 tips to make your child's school life easier

  1. Listen to your child, welcome their doubts and fears. This care will help them process their feelings and put things in perspective.
  2. Imagine a new rhythm together, filled with pleasant moments to help them enjoy their new days: a sweet roll for breakfast, a walk in the park after school, etc.
  3. For older children, in elementary or middle school, plan a little review time in the days before school starts. It’s a useful step to help reduce stress related to teachers and learning.
  4. Embrace optimism, everything will be fine! Even if you know small setbacks can happen, there’s no need to anticipate them. Most often, positivity brings more positivity.
  5. Silence your own anxieties, the ones that come up every back-to-school season and stem from your past experiences. Even if most children go through similar things, there’s no reason for your child to relive yours.

Parent stress: 4 tips to put things in perspective too

le stress de la rentree pour les parents
  1. Set aside back-to-school day (or morning) so you can help your child get ready and accompany them to daycare or school. They’ll feel more confident, and you’ll be more reassured as well.
  2. Show calm and confidence. Daycare/school is a good thing—everything will go well. If needed, tell your child who to go to and what to do. And for yourself, don’t hesitate to call daycare the first few days for updates on your baby.
  3. Slip a lovey, pacifier, or small note into your child's bag for their first big-kid day. They'll find and use these when they need comfort.
  4. Trust the adults on site. The experienced nursery nurses at daycare or the teaching staff at school are there to take care of your child in your absence.

And because back-to-school always goes better with support, Élhée offers a list of books and albums to read as a family, to de-dramatize, put things in perspective, and get familiar, at any age, with this new group environment.

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