Few taboos are as heavy to bear as those surrounding motherhood. So, when a woman admits to regretting becoming a mother, she is often met with incomprehension. Fortunately, for her, for others, and for future mothers, voices are gradually being freed, and greater awareness is emerging. In place of the usual positive motherhood, books, podcasts, and testimonies are now also highlighting the pain of being a mother. As if in a straitjacket, motherhood is sometimes experienced as confinement, leading in its wake to maternal regret.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
- What is maternal regret? How does it manifest?
- Regretting motherhood is not regretting your child
- Motherhood is for life: is maternal regret, too?
What is maternal regret? How does it manifest?
Maternal regret often manifests as a feeling of burden, suffocation, and/or obligation, leading new mothers to miss their life before motherhood. Since their child was born, they feel trapped in a role that is too heavy and constraining. If they could do it over, they wouldn't do it again.
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Astrid Hurault de Ligny, author of the book “Le regret maternel, quand le rôle de mère est trop lourd à porter” published by Larousse, opens her reflection with: “I never asked myself whether I wanted to be a mother or not. Truly, I mean. ”
- In her book, “Mal de mères: 10 femmes racontent le regret d’être mère,” published by JCLattès, journalist Stéphanie Thomas discusses the testimonies she received and the renouncement experienced, that of freedom. The feeling of no longer existing, of being “only” a mother.
- In the work of Orna Donath, PhD in sociology and lecturer: “Le regret d’être mère,” published by Odile Jacob, she explores a world of stress, oppression, and frustration recounted by 23 mothers, none of whom, if they had the choice, would try motherhood again.
Regretting motherhood is not regretting your child
Yet, women who regret motherhood love their children and take care of them. Psychologists and clinicians agree that maternal regret does not necessarily affect the love these mothers feel toward their children.
They do not regret being their child’s mother, but rather having become mothers at all. They regret the upheaval, their bodies becoming damaged and weakened, struggling to regain balance in the couple, the sacrifices, the loss of carefreeness and freedom, as well as the maternal devotion expected by society. These women do not identify with the role of mother as it is imposed upon them.
Maternal regret is an internal, personal, intimate suffering, sometimes linked to childhood and its wounds, whether conscious or unconscious, but also to society and its idealized view of motherhood.
According to Martine Teillac, psychoanalyst and author of the book “Vaincre la culpabilité” published by Toucan, the myth of a happy and fulfilled motherhood as an achievement has become as powerful and burdensome as the fairy-tale “Prince Charming” myth.
Social pressure and mental load: two denounced factors of maternal regret
Maternal fulfillment, maternal happiness, maternal instinct... these are just a few examples of the strongly positive view society takes toward motherhood and its emotions. Thus, many mothers who experience maternal regret share that they never consciously thought about whether they actually wanted a child before giving birth.
The couple, the passing years, and the classic question: “So, when’s the baby?” And finally, the trying, the pregnancy, and the arrival of a newborn who comes almost “just like that.” Because giving birth is part of the to-do list assigned to women by society, culture, and films...
Then, from birth and even during delivery or at the end of pregnancy, the questions start and the weight of the mental load falls on the new mother’s shoulders. “Deliver well,” manage to breastfeed, give birth to a calm baby (why does he cry so often?), recover quickly, get back into shape, accept visitors, smile in photos, organize medical appointments... in short, manage daily life with a newborn.
While at the maternity ward and during paternity leave, mothers may get some support, many say they quickly find themselves alone with their baby. So, as Astrid Hurault de Ligny describes, the first weeks postpartum give way to depression and incomprehension: “Why am I not happy like other moms?”
Fulfilled motherhood: another myth partly to blame
Stories about maternal regret highlight another point: the difference between the perception of motherhood and its reality. Because maternal regret is taboo, and not wanting a child remains unusual for a woman, it is still rare for a mother to admit she wishes she had made a different choice.
Like all other women, these moms expected to experience the best day of their life, to feel fulfilled. Instead, they face difficulties, fear, exhaustion, pain... and a lack of understanding that adds to their sadness. The pressure they feel is immense. Ultimately, the birth of their child isn’t a rosy monochrome, but rather a palette of deep grays that triggers feelings of guilt.
Testimonies collected in books and published online also refer to a sense of imprisonment and obligation to be happy as a mother. Too often, these feelings are met with comments like, “You should have thought about this before having a baby.”
Motherhood is for life: is maternal regret, too?
All mothers know: we are not born mothers, we become them. Matrescence explains this transitional state, which can also be difficult. But once the step is taken, there is no going back. So, must the suffering of maternal regret last a lifetime?
While maternal regret is closely linked to postpartum depression, unlike the latter, it is not an illness but a discomfort that cannot be “cured,” only eased over time, until it becomes more bearable.
Reading and building support to ease the regret
Even though not enjoying being pregnant or experiencing maternal regret remain tough topics to discuss, people are starting to talk more openly about these motherhood taboos. The books cited in this article, as well as articles and podcast episodes on the topic, are proof of that.
Because it all starts with awareness, if maternity care, the child health center, or your doctor finds nothing wrong, but you feel increasing discomfort inside, keep searching. Look for a clue, an answer, a possibility, an explanation for your sadness after your baby is born.
On social media, hashtags #monpostpartum and #regretmaternel are other avenues to explore that can help you find testimonies, and also connect with other women in the same situation.
Talk so you don’t pass on the regret
No matter the situation, speaking up is freeing. So, surround yourself with understanding people who can offer a caring, nonjudgmental ear. These may be loved ones, but also trained professionals, or even strangers, such as people on forums.
By talking about it, you might even discover that the sacrifices of motherhood can open up other opportunities; maybe well-hidden, but still possible.
By talking, you help break the taboo and allow other women to recognize themselves in your words and experiences.
But above all, by opening up, you let go of negative feelings, frustration, and some of the regret… You lighten your burden and that of your child. Speaking out is a soothing balm for the heart that is sometimes recognized only too late.
Organize and create quality time for yourself
On a European scale (and more specifically in France, Great Britain, Spain, Italy, and Germany), a study conducted by YouGov in 2022 shows that around 10 to 15% of surveyed couples regret having had a child. However, the figures also show that regret decreases with time.
Is there a parallel between the loss of experiences expressed by women who feel maternal regret? Probably.
Motherhood, like life, is partly made up of sacrifice. However, organizing everyday life can help you make the most of every moment with as little frustration as possible. Check your schedule, your partner’s, or anyone who supports you. Set aside family time, one-on-one time with your child, time with your partner, and time just for yourself, when another adult can step in.
Of course, this schedule will shift and evolve. But just having time for yourself and a shared mental load can help ease the burden of maternal regret, and gradually, you can learn to embrace this new life and new version of yourself.
