I Don’t Like Being Pregnant: When It’s Hard to Cope

We Are Not Born Mothers—We Become Them

In his song "Papaoutai," Stromae writes: "Everyone knows how babies are made, but nobody knows how daddies are made." The feminine equivalent is just as true. While maternal instinct exists without question, it is not owed, nor is it automatic, nor an intrinsic trait of all women. It is, or it is not. And when it is not, a myth collapses. This is often true even for women who don’t feel it. "We are not born mothers—we become them." The women who have struggled through or are having a difficult pregnancy know this well.

 While for some women these nine months are peaceful, for others, expecting a child is at best unpleasant, at worst leading them into depression. So where does this feeling come from? How can we explain experiencing pregnancy as uncomfortable, scary, or even painful? Because the desire to have a child and the desire to be pregnant do not always go hand in hand, "I don’t like being pregnant" is a perfectly valid statement and in no way makes the person who says it a bad mother.

Being Pregnant: A Profound Physical and Psychological Transformation

Pregnancy is an exceptional and life-altering state. It’s unique—even if you experience it more than once in your life. During the nine months life takes to settle in a woman’s body, there are many intense stages and equally radical changes. These transformations—sometimes unwanted, often endured—can become a source of discomfort.

Pregnancy symptoms

The symptoms of pregnancy, both visible and invisible, can range from minor annoyances to big disruptions. In the first trimester, nausea and fatigue are often intense. In the last trimester, urination is too frequent, insomnia is common, moving around alone becomes challenging, and stretch marks begin to appear.

In between, various pains (in the back, legs, pelvis, head…) may crop up, sometimes so intensely they seem to take over everything else. For first-time moms, there is often the added factor of fear of childbirth—that it will be long, painful, or not go as planned.

Weight gain, even when it's not much, can also become problematic due to bodily changes that are hard to accept. Some women feel like they are leaving behind their pre-pregnancy body, shape, and along with them, their entire lifestyle.

An unprecedented psychological upheaval

Once the euphoria of announcing the pregnancy and the initial weeks pass, a powerful sense of awareness grows as life develops inside you. This reality, stressful in its unknowns, and not yet fully tangible, can grow oppressive. Food, lifestyle habits, appointments, medical tests…

With so many demands placed on pregnant women, the feeling of loss of control can be unsettling. The memory of past painful experiences may resurface. Miscarriage, terminated pregnancies, difficult births, traumatic stories…

These hardships, whether lived or told, are sometimes the source of intense anxiety, capable of clouding the happiness of a wanted pregnancy. A tough relationship with your mother, the absence of a father, unspoken feelings, a painful childhood… Pregnancy is often compared to an emotional tidal wave capable of bringing even the deepest wounds to the surface, plunging those who feel them into a sadness that is hard to understand.

Speak Up: Expressing Yourself to Silence Anxiety

To try and make the best of the next 9 months, try to identify and understand where your feelings come from. A good first step? Free yourself from all the unsolicited comments and advice you'll inevitably receive:

• "Just wait, pregnancy is so fulfilling" (not always)
• "You’re so weird for not liking being pregnant" (no)
• "It’ll come, you’ll see" (and if it doesn’t?)

Talk to your close ones, to your family as well. The fact that you’re struggling with your pregnancy may be directly linked to your personal history. Discussing it may help you pinpoint the missing piece of the puzzle. The prenatal appointment, usually at the end of the first trimester, is another opportunity to talk with your midwife or gynecologist and express your feelings.

Letting Go of the "Ideal Pregnancy" Pressure

Pregnancy is far too often idealized. First and foremost, allow yourself to experience this time in your own way and let go of the pregnancy you may have imagined. Remember too that this is only a temporary state, it will not last forever, and it won’t prevent you from being the best mom for your child.

Don’t like being pregnant? Say it to anyone who will listen—or not. Once that’s out in the open, you’ll probably feel less pressure to justify yourself. Let whoever understands, understand. The important thing is to make the best of the months between now and childbirth.

Speaking Out About a Bad Gynecological Experience

More and more women are openly admitting it. They didn’t enjoy—or even hated—their pregnancy care. Infantilizing remarks, hurtful comments about weight, emotional state, how they handle stress, a lack of respect for their choices or opinions... Words and actions like these can cause distress, especially when coming from a healthcare professional.

When the Distress Runs Deep: Naming Prenatal Depression

Postnatal depression—also called the baby blues or postpartum depression—is less and less taboo, and now people recognize the difficulty of making the transition from woman to mother after a child is born.

But, several studies show that untreated prenatal depression can lead to baby blues. Uncontrollable stress, poor self-image, lack of confidence in one's abilities, physical and sleep disorders, sadness, fatigue...  These signs, mild when isolated and fleeting, can be warning flags when they persist.

Let’s Demystify Pregnancy!

You tell us every day in your many messages: there’s no standard when it comes to love, feelings, emotions, or, of course, pregnancy. So yes, it’s true—being pregnant might mean you have a gorgeous bust, wonderful curves, and luscious hair (thanks, hormones), but pregnancy symptoms (stretch marks, nausea, fatigue, hemorrhoids, just to name a few) can make you dislike being pregnant, which really is not that surprising.

If you don’t love your pregnancy, are facing postpartum depression, or if unconditional love for your baby wasn’t instant for you, rest assured—you are not alone.

All moms, mums-to-be, all the strong and happy mothers have had ups and downs—before, during, or after pregnancy. Just as there’s no perfect mom, there’s no perfect pregnancy. Instead, because all mothers are part of nature, every woman has sunnier days and tougher days, happier mornings and those times when it’s hard to recognize or accept your own reflection in the mirror.

Together, let’s demystify pregnancy. Let’s end the pressure, and give ourselves permission to experience our private lives in our own way, as we truly feel them.