It’s a fact: the birth of a child is one of life’s defining moments, filled with upheaval and a wide range of emotions. What many families describe as an immense joy, perhaps even the greatest—the arrival of a baby—can sometimes lead to the deepest distress. This is the “baby clash,” a period of crisis that can be fatal to a relationship. While many parents face it, young mothers too often take on the burden: extreme fatigue, decreased libido, a strong mother-child bond, a spike in mental load... When the arrival of a baby shakes the foundation of a couple, how can a new balance be found?

CONTENTS

• Baby clash: Recognizing the early turbulence
• Fatigue, new challenges, and lack of intimacy: the main causes of baby clash
• Baby clash: consequences, sometimes irreversible, for many couples
• How to overcome the baby clash and find a new balance as a family?

Baby clash: Identifying the early turbulence

What is the baby clash? While "collision" is a possible translation for the word "clash," the baby clash is the relationship crisis that some couples experience when a child is born, often their first. You could call it a real collision between their pre-baby life as a couple and their new life as a family of three.

According to a study by ELABE conducted for the WeMoms app with 501 mothers who have at least one child under 6 years old, 66% of women surveyed reported experiencing conflict and tension with their partner after their child’s birth. 20% of those couples even admitted being on the verge of separating.

Another study, this time conducted by IFOP for the site Sleepyz.fr with 1,001 parents of children under age 3, reveals in particular that one out of two parents has already considered separation after their child was born. Furthermore, 16% of them actually did separate.

As for how long the baby clash lasts, specialists, doctors, and psychologists say it can last from a few weeks to several months. Alyson F. Shapiro (San Diego State University) and John M. Gottman (Relationship Research Institute, Deer Harbor, Washington) showed through their work on the ways communication evolves for couples when transitioning to parenthood that the most positive results appeared about a year after the baby’s arrival.

Fatigue and lack of intimacy: the main causes of baby clash

The birth of a child, discovering parenthood, changes in your bodies and minds... together, these factors create a new dance that your couple—now a family—must learn and recognize.

The birth of a child is a true revolution—especially if it’s your first baby. After delivery, the fatigue, combined with that from pregnancy, is very much present. Typically, a bad night’s sleep might cause a grumpy morning, but the combination of hormonal changes, physical exhaustion, and mental fatigue creates fertile ground for arguments and unpleasant remarks.

• Lack of intimacy after birth

Coming home from the hospital, your body has changed, along with your focus. Naturally, you may care more about your role as a mother than your role as a woman. Meanwhile, your partner might find it more difficult to adjust to your new body. He might be afraid of hurting you or unsure how to approach you intimately. Sometimes, the presence of a baby disrupts your intimate moments. These feelings and reactions can further complicate your relationship.

• New routines, new challenges, new responsibilities

Now, life is no longer just the two of you—it’s three. Both partners have new obligations. Three days after the birth, back home, you’re getting up at night when you dream of sleeping, changing diapers when you’d rather take care of yourself, heading to doctor and pediatrician visits when you’re both tired, and completely rethinking your routine... These responsibilities, even when expected, can cause friction that—if repeated and amplified by fatigue and lack of intimacy—can lead to a baby clash.

Baby clash: consequences, sometimes irreversible, for many couples

Authors, specialists, and parents alike often believe that all couples meet challenges after the birth of a child. Sometimes stronger or longer in duration, these turbulent times require both partners to get on the same page. If not, the consequences of baby clash can be serious, and in the most difficult cases, irreversible.

• Communication, sharing, and bonding as a couple may diminish.
• Unspoken feelings and resentment can become long-lasting.
• Instead of love growing stronger after the birth, some couples drift apart.
• In the face of exhaustion, old wounds may resurface.
• For some new parents, the baby clash leads to separation.

How to overcome the baby clash and find a new balance as a family?

A crisis after your child’s birth should not be taken lightly. If it settles in, it can burst the entire family bubble—or at the very least, cause it to shrink. To keep baby clash from leading to separation, the couple must move forward together.

Drawing strength from reconnecting through communication

Most difficulties can be worked through or overcome with listening and communication. Don’t keep your feelings to yourself—speak up, especially about matters concerning your relationship. Talk openly with your lifelong partner, accept that your life is changing, and recognize that you both need to find your new roles within what is now a trio, not just a duo.

Building self-confidence as a new mom

Nothing is better for your self-esteem than taking time for yourself. From birth to about 3 months, your baby sleeps 15 to 20 hours a day, giving you time to find your own rhythm. Forget chores, cleaning, and daily tasks—give yourself as much space as you need to experience your matrescence.

Take care of yourself: practice self-massage, make an appointment with an osteopath, go to the salon or spa, read, listen to your favorite music, dance, play video games... Enjoy everything you already liked before you decided to become a parent. 

4 tips to help your relationship after baby’s arrival

• BEFORE the birth, use your pregnancy to learn together about the baby clash, discuss difficulties that might come up, and share your fears and expectations as future parents.
• After pregnancy, think of yourself but also of your relationship. Take advantage of your newborn’s naps to talk, cuddle, watch a good movie together (even if you fall asleep!), and to show care and kindness to one another.
• Don’t lose yourself in parenthood. You were a couple before your child was born and even before that, individuals. If today you are, in addition, a mom, you are also still a partner and a woman.
• Keep time for yourself and for the two of you as a couple by taking turns sleeping in, working out, going out with friends, and even, why not, planning weekends away from home. If possible, ask your parents or close friends to step in with your child from time to time. Can’t do that? Maybe you can take a day off during the week to be together? The idea is to reconnect as a couple “like before,” even though you’re now parents.

Getting outside help

Despite your best efforts, there may be moments or emotions that are too difficult to handle alone. You probably have friends or family you can lean on to talk or get a break. If that’s not enough, talk to your doctor, see a therapist—on your own or as a couple—or join social media groups dedicated to baby clash.

In summary, take care of yourself at every moment, including during pregnancy and especially in your postpartum period. Learn about baby clash. Talk with your partner and express your emotions before they turn into blame. Take advantage of your baby's naps to rest and spend time together. Remember that before you became parents, you were both halves of a couple and before that, independent individuals. Be kind to each other and whenever possible, let go. Even in turbulent times, everything will be okay—you can do this together.