- Bringing a Baby Into the World, Finding a New Rhythm
- Creating Moments of Intimacy
- 5 Tips to Stay (or Become Again) Lovers When You Have Children
On the Journal d’Élhée, we often talk to you about baby and their well-being, about mixed feeding and “How To” advice, not to mention our delicately ergonomic bibRonds. However, before giving life, love must be born, and for that, intimacy needs to be created. Intimacy is first exclusive to the couple, then temporarily upended—or even challenged—by baby, before, for everyone’s happiness, being passionately rediscovered. But even though making love is good for your mood, health, and even family balance, the idea of enjoying a fulfilling sex life is still too often relegated to a secondary need by new parents.
Bringing a Baby Into the World, Finding a New Rhythm
Between fatigue, lack of time for yourself, and lack of intimacy as a couple, the arrival of a baby shakes up a couple’s usual routines. From passionate lovers, you become responsible parents, and sometimes just for the length of a (sometimes long) day at the maternity ward.
Learning to (Re)Discover Each Other
As a mother—with all the power that word holds, even before talking about sexuality, it’s essential to discuss self-recognition and reclaiming yourself.
Even when experienced positively, pregnancy—especially the first one—is a major upheaval for body and mind. Reactions and emotions, physical and hormonal changes, pain, discomfort, new sensations... Every mother must be able to take the time to get to know her own body and desires after giving birth.
For your partner, the transition can also be chaotic. As a woman, you’re no longer just their sexual partner, but also the mom caring for her young child. He or she may feel excluded from your relationship with your newborn.
Finding Your Romantic Balance
Among the factors that influence desire in new parents, fatigue is one of the main ones. Baby doesn’t sleep at night, is sick, is teething, wakes up startled from a nightmare... If you don’t sleep, or don’t sleep well enough, or just not enough—especially after returning to work—your energy quickly runs out, taking with it your zest, good mood, and any sex drive. Maybe you chose co-sleeping, or to set up the baby’s crib in your bedroom for more security and responsiveness, but it means a little less intimacy.
Fortunately, life is more than just the bed, and sex isn’t just for nighttime.
If postpartum isn’t necessarily the period when women feel the most desirable or excited about trying things out on the washing machine or on the couch, these intimate moments—sometimes stolen, sometimes planned—can be opportunities for glances and caresses, laughter, maybe even fits of laughing together, which are perfect for reconnecting.
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Stress, exhaustion, feeling overwhelmed... These issues, while common among new parents, should remain occasional. If not, with time, they can evolve into postpartum depression. A good preventive measure? Building protective barriers, getting outside, talking, and treating yourselves to precious moments together. |
Creating Moments of Intimacy
“Wanting to want”—does that sound familiar? Maybe it’s simply you, looking in the mirror, one fine morning or in the middle of the night, a few weeks or months after your child is born.
How do you express desire after a more or less long period without intimacy? Your partner is still the same person, yet not quite. You’ve both changed. You’re both parents now. Even so, don’t be ashamed of your desire, don’t be embarrassed or burdened by it. Admitting that you want him or her is probably the first step toward a (new) fulfilling sex life.
Make the Most of Every Quiet Moment
If before baby, the rule was “cuddles anytime,” now you’ll have to get organized. At least a bit. While this new rhythm is settling in, you can post your available time slots for a cuddle right on the fridge, or slip the “impromptu date schedule” into your partner’s pocket.
- With a baby: early (very early) in the morning, in the middle of the night, or during nap time—basically, whenever your child is sound asleep, make the most of it and slip into bed together too!
- With an older child: after dropping them off at a birthday party, at extracurricular activities, when grandparents take them to the movies, with the babysitter, or at daycare if you both manage to come home a little earlier.
Organize a Romantic Dinner—A Real Solution?
Why not? Any gesture matters as long as you focus on each other, not just spending time side by side. Talk, look each other in the eyes, remember why you’re in love, exchange gentle touch, pay each other compliments—not just comment on the meal.
You know it, female desire is far more complex than a plate of spaghetti, no matter how delicious it is.
So yes to the romantic dinner, especially after your baby is born—just as if it were your very first. Just like 5, 10 years ago, or more, when the most exciting challenge was winning their heart.
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If your dinner can be followed by a whole night of freedom, what could be better for truly creating an intimate moment? Reconnecting and rediscovering each other’s bodies inch by inch? But always without pressure. After a good meal and a few weeks of interrupted nights, maybe all you’ll want is to sleep. And that’s okay! What parent hasn’t been torn between the desire for a wild night of love and the need to sink into a deep sleep for more than four hours straight? |
5 Tips to Stay (or Become Again) Lovers When You Have Children
So, your home now welcomes not just two but three people—one of whom is a tiny human, completely dependent on you for now. But, despite their needs, there’s no reason why your love nest can’t remain one. Maybe part-time, but still a love nest nonetheless.
Secure Your Intimate Space
“This is my space and that’s your space.” The movie Dirty Dancing, Cha Cha lesson! Do you remember? The two actors don’t have children interrupting their dance, but the concept of personal and intimate space is physically demonstrated.
It’s the same with couples who are also parents. Everyone needs their own space and must learn to respect the other’s as well.
The parental bedroom isn’t a playroom, nor is the bed a trampoline. Because before being parents, you’re a couple, and your bedroom is an intimate zone that should be protected so you can live your own love story—or dance the Cha Cha if you feel like it.
As Soon as Possible, Offer a Touch, a Caress, a Kiss
“A.S.A.P.”: while this phrase sparks debate at the end of work emails, cuddling “As Soon As Possible” is highly recommended. Steal a kiss in the doorway, an explicit look in the hallway, a caress in the stairs or brushing past their desk, in the morning when you wake up or at bedtime… Every moment is a good moment to share a sign of love.
Embracing releases oxytocin, the so-called well-being hormone. So there’s no reason to deprive yourself of their touch, lips, warmth, and gentle affection.
Every Day, Something Special for Him or Her
Show your partner as often as possible how important they are in your life. Start with a small gesture each day, but don’t limit yourself, for the good of your relationship, to show your interest and awaken theirs.
- Feed the kids before yourselves and enjoy a few hours together over a delivered meal so you don’t have to cook.
- Do a little shopping on Friday night to have everything you need for the weekend and no reason to leave the house.
- Get up at night to change the baby’s diaper or give them a bottle, without being asked so your partner can rest.
- Take out the laundry, start the eco cycle on the dishwasher, take out the trash, etc.—in other words, help tackle some of the daily routine.
- Prepare a bath for your partner while they put your child to bed, pick up their favorite pastry at the bakery, serve them a hot coffee when you know it’ll be fully appreciated…
Once a Month, Schedule a Date Together
What’s better for igniting the urge for affection than a romantic date? Though you may have thought they were just for early days, bringing them back into your routine creates butterflies again—and that’s a good thing.
Don’t hesitate, not even for a second. Once a month—or more if you can—book a good table at a restaurant, movie tickets, plan a walk in the woods, or spend an afternoon treasure hunting at flea markets… Do what you love, do it without your child, and—most importantly—without guilt.
To help make this happen, consider grandparents, close friends, or maybe an extra afternoon at daycare.
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Don’t hesitate to make this moment truly special by slipping in a flirty note scribbled on paper or sent by text—just under the watchful gaze of the one you love. |
Always, Recognize Each Other’s Qualities
Develop a true culture of positive feelings toward yourself and your partner.
“You are magical.” Thankfully, magic is everywhere—even in moments of fatigue, every day, even when you can’t see it. The real magic is within you, sometimes more hidden than others. It’s up to you to reveal it by continuously recognizing new qualities in yourself.
- You are an exceptional mother, you are an attentive father
- You are a beautiful woman, you are a fascinating man
- I love your sense of humor, I adore your way of seeing life
- Your dimples when you smile make me lose focus, your smile is so irresistible, I’ve always loved seeing it form on your lips
That’s what it means to remain lovers while also being parents. Remembering why you’re together, what brought you together, and what made you want to have a child together. Combine those little words, small gestures, caring touches, and more explicit declarations whenever you have the chance. With a little time and patience, you’ll likely find this to be the formula for rekindling the spark, passion, and intensity between you.
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Some days it just won’t work, your mind will be elsewhere, work or parenting will take over—and that’s normal. The idea of getting back to a fulfilling sex life is to make your authenticity attractive in your simplest form, make your first laugh line irresistible, and your first gray hair appealing. |
